I need a sign on my espresso machine that says, “if I’m standing here, I’m busy”.
Venti extra hot soy Chai with no foam.
Fuck you. Fuck you with a steam wand.
Appropriate responses to “how are you”: All right, good, awesome, terrible, cold, tired, in need of coffee, etc.
Inappropriate response: Medium three-shot Americano.
You haven’t seen a tantrum until you’ve told a grown-ass adult that you can’t accept Starbucks cards.
Yes, we have a fucKING PEPPERMINT GARDEN OUT BACK IN THE PARKING LOT NEXT TO THE COWS WE USE FOR OUR MILK
I’ve started writing haikus about work.
"Step back from my bar,
What the fuck do you need now?
Fuck you, bitch, step back.”
"I saw you back there.
Instagramming your coffee.
Hashtag please just leave.”
"You asked for half-caf
But what I heard you say was
‘I’m an idiot.’”
"These are our prices, sir.
And, if you do not like it,
Bother someone else.”